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So, a couple of weeks ago, I saw a TikTok about an unrealeased One Direction song that had been leaked. Now, having been a One Direction fan since their debut, I knew my way around the jokes and pranks of "new song!" especially after their haitus... and now with the introduction of AI, anybody could say that a song is new and leaked. Yet, I gave into my curiousity and Oh. My. God.
Now, sure, it could still be AI and fake and whatever, but I really don't think it is. And if it is then I need whoever made it to keep making music because WOW. Every time I've heard it in the last few weeks, I get this intense feeling in my chest - one I've longed for since... well, since Zayn left, really. Obviously, I know that it was never healthy for me to depend on them so much for my own happiness, especially at such a young age, but what can I say? I was 13 years old and desperate for anything that would distract me from the realities of my life at the time. Looking back, though, it's very funny to see how trivial my problems were. But I digress.
Anyways, I was listening to Where We Are again the other night and I got to thinking about just how weird my connection to One Direction was. I feel like, sure, it's a little obvious that as an untreated, mentally ill child, I utilized them and fandom culture as my own little escape. And sure, the maladaptive daydreaming that I was engaging in was hardly a good thing, but it didn't hurt anyone. Byt this goes beyond that, I think. From a young age, I've always had a really good memory, and even now, I can paint vivid picures in my mind of where I was at a given point in my life, as far as when I was 6 or 7.
All this to say, when I was listening to WWA, I listened to other One Direction songs and thought about the fact that so many songs have specific connections to parts of my life, and it's interesting to think about how I'll go about my life and will still think back to those times. I won't go into too much personal detail because... I really don't need to, but I just thought that it was really funny and interesting how listening to certain songs gave me memories of playing Papa's Donuteria in the hospital at 13 years old. I stopped listening to One Direction as often when I entered high school, and I think that that was a good thing, but it's also funny how they exist as a marker for my middle school years specifically.
I'm graduating college in a few months and I've gone full circle again, where I'm listening to not only the solo projects of the members, but their group discography as well and it's funny because I sit here and think, "Wow. This was... not as good as I remember it being." which I think is aprt of growing up for sure, but still, it's hard for me to skip a majority of the songs that I hold dear to my heart, not because they're good, but because of those memories. Except "Gotta Be You," she can choke.
I dunno. I just thought it was interesting to think about the feelings that listening to the leak illicited and how it made me look back on my life. I finished coding all 3 pages as templates for my music section and I think I'm gonna review the One Direction CDs first since I'm on a kick lately, and I'll be able to ramble more there while I listen to the songs. There's really no point to this, but this is MY website and I get to do and say whatever I wanttttt and if nobody ever reads it, then that's cool! And if people do... that's also cool. I dunno. It's just fun to think about how I was 13 years old sitting at this same desk, listening to the same songs and writing fanfiction and now, almost 10 years later, I'm sitting here listening to the songs and coding my own website and writing ~5 essays a day as I work my way towards graduating from college. Life is funny.