23年6月20日 - Exposure Therapy, Medication and The Curious Case of Dollar Tree Products

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I woke up this morning and the first thing I wanted to write about was the fact that I feel like exposure therapy really works, which is something I hate to admit. Truly, though, I feel like there's no way a person can stay as agoraphobic as I was after spending two days in a week (with a total of ~15 hours) in the Emergency Room. Everything I was so afraid of was there and I went back willingly... okay well maybe not willingly but it served a good purpose, I guess.

Anyway. Today wen't so much differently than I thought, honestly. But in a good way! I went in for a follow up from the hospital appointment and I didn't really know what to expect. Being an American without health insurance is insane, but thankfully the clinic I went to only charged me $17. (SAY THE NAME!!)

While I was waiting, I saw this fun little thing on the TV and it reminded me of my friends and I can't stop thinking about how maybe the best thing I can do in my 20s aside from taking care of myself and taking small steps towards becoming the person I want to be is to love my friends and those around me; there isn't enough love in the world and if there's one thing I can do in this God-forsaken life, it's make it so my life isn't like that.

Anyways, when I got seen (which took SO much less time than when I was in the ER, I think I solved the issue of whether or not to sit on the bed thing or to sit in the chair... I think? I sat in the chair and stayed there, but I think that was fine since I went mostly to talk about my mental health and how it's affected my physical health.

To MY surprise today, when I talked to the doctor lady, I offhandedly brought up going on medication because it's gotten to a point where I feel like I might as well take a shot and see if medication works for me and if it doesn't, then at least I'll know I have tried. I didn't think that she'd be able to do much, I thought I had to go through a lot of channels to get it, but, as of June 20th, 2023, I am officially medicated!! :D

It does scare me a little bit, if I'm honest. The reason I've been so hesitant my entire life is because I don't do well with side effects and I'm nervous about how those will play out as time goes on, but I think that now that I've gone to the ER twice in a week, I'm comfortable in knowing what is and isn't a valid reason to go based on the side effects of my new meds. Lexapro slay!

After I left the clinic, we went to the bank and then the grocery store, and I didn't feel anxious at all! It almost makes me think I don't need medication after all hehe. Jokes. Anyways! I agreed to go to the dollar store across town instead of the one up the street from where I live, which was scary because I haven't gone to a shop on that side of town in a long time, much less that dollar store. Honestly, I think this is the first time I've stepped foot in there in several years. It was just as dirty as it was back then. Anywayssss, on the way there, I saw a pride flag flying at city hall, and it was something so nice to see, despite the fact my mom was ranting and raving about her own homophobia. Funny.

When I got to the dollar tree, I saw some weird stuff fr, the worst being root beer powder to put in water???? and whatever "Queer Duck" is... I didn't buy it even though it was a dollar because I just didn't thikn it was worth anything.

owo

ANYWAY!!! I took an afternoon nap today too for the first time in a really really long time and it was SO nice, but I also had such a weird, crazy dream full of people from my past. I don't regret it though, I needed rest and I was so cozy and happy. It was nice. When I woke up, I looked out my back window and saw the sun setting and saw that the flowers were blooming in my neighbor's backyard and took a pic of that too, and I think it's a nice way to end the day.

It's 1130pm now, I'm going to publish this, update my links and then go take a shower and end the day. Today was interesting to say the least, I think, but I would call it really really good. If this is how Lexapro will make me feel every day, I think that things will only go up from here. I'm hoping it does, I want every day to be good, not only for myself but for my friends too. We all deserve it.